a poets quest for a distant paradise

random late night babble....

2009-03-02T01:22:00.001-05:00

So...I've been a mess for the past three days. I think its more so because I'm having separation anxiety from everyone within my cell...because....I CANT TEXT!! well I mean I can text...but I dont get anything back. I feel like I've been punished for loving to text. LOL...I know...this may seem crazy....but my close friends know me and know that texting is like...me.

So anyway...I've been talking to someone for a lil bit now. We've been online pals for a min....things have been always on a friendship level...and its still there. Yet I miss her....like...some kinda bad [as she would say]. Now we talk...flirt...just chill on the phone together like we are actually in each others presence. I can't pin point what it is about her that draws me closer and closer to her each day. Hours go by and i don't speak to her I feel like imma lose my mind.

Now...my texts have been on a fritz since friday afternoon. She and I text while we are at work...various times thro the day...before we call each other and such. Now that I am not able to do so...it's buggin me. I dont feel as connected as I have been the last few weeks we've been texting each other. Now don't get me wrong...I love talking to her. There are times where that is allll i want to do and shes told me that she feels the same way. I'm starting to feel needy and constantly wanting to hear her voice to make me feel that everything is still the same. You know...just to have the reassurance that...to make sure the thoughts and whatever feelings she has for me didn't change. Now call me a sap or what have you but communication is def a keypoint in getting to know someone esp if you are interested in them.

Things between us didn't start off this way. I honestly never thought it would be this way. I def find her attractive and the more and more I get to know the little things about her...and just speakin to her....makes me ever so anxious to meet her. It's insane.

She and I started off as friends [like i stated earlier in the begining of the blog]. I came across her page because she is a poet like myself. Read a few of her pieces she had posted up and of course left comments and then requested her as a friend simply because I wanted to keep up with her work. We spoke online from time to time but not on a regular. Then one day out of the blue she was online n hit me up...before that we hadnt chatted in maybe weeks. She gave me her # to keep in touch with her. So i hit her up. We became instant text buddies and then...I called her one night....for some reason I cant remember why. I was on my way home from a whack club @ 1.30 am on valentines day. I think previously we were chatting about actually speaking on the phone but we were both nervous to do so. lol. So I left her a long message...just rambling. I can't remember when we first spoke...but I do remember not wanting to get off the phone with her. We have been a 'hit' since.

Every conversation has been saturated in my brain and I want more of them. I'm itching to meet her but I want to make sure she feels the way eventho I feel she does...I just want to be sure. I'm not the type to push up on someone because I know how that feels. I just want to ride the wave and just see what happens. I let her know from time to time that I miss her and that she is on my mind and such[and she does the same with me]. I don't want to suffocate her....yet I don't want her to feel I've strayed. You feel me? She is just....different than anyone I have came in contact with. Altho I barely know her...I feel connected to her in more ways than I can explain. *sigh* I just dont want to lose touch with her...and I know I won't...I just get those thoughts and start to feel someway when I start to like someone. So I guess this is just natural fro me. She is the only one that i know of that is consistent as far as keeping her interest up. It's insane...and it makes my heart flutter. She is a mind blower...she is....multi talented beyond anyone i know....mmmm....she has been dubbed....my lullaby *smiles*

ha ha...This blog has been more about her than anything else....hm....but I feel good after writing this....thinkin about her....while shes sleepin her bed....missin u sweetheart....

sending this out to cyberspace....

been a min!!

2009-02-23T00:47:00.002-05:00

man its been almost a month since i post. my apologies for those who come n check me out on here. ive been slacking but i kno that now i will keep up with it. almost forgot ALLL my necessary log in info here *gasp* lol...guess my old age is catching up to me. LOL....sooooo here is 2 current ones....hope you enjoy!!

2.7.09

fading

snap...the light switch
snap...your fingers
snap...your emotions
snap...your eyes

shut...from every form of reality
shut...from the beauty of ACTUAL realness
shut...from letting anything good come in

i never had the key
i never had the pass to free roam
i never had the interview
i never had the special meeting
i never had the 1st date
i never had you

i will always have 1st memories
1st conversations
1st nicknames
1st falling out
1st butterfly
1st smile
1st...feeling wanted
1st...feeling GOOD
1st...feeling loved
1st...feeling connected

you were my inkling
my hook line & sinker
my chip to my salsa
my oreo to my milk
the sugar in my sweet tea
the rainbow in my clear sky
the perfect beat along with my tight verse

ill forever remember you
ill forever hold you
ill forever miss you
until
we connect
again
----------------------------------------------------------------

2.23.09

she has...

her voice
eludes me
soothes me
moves my...
heart
into another
time
place
exsistence

she has captured
my mind
my attention
focus on anything else
is a distraction
and i cant help
but to be focused
on just words
conversation
relaxation

she has...
elated me
calmed me
dwelled....
in my heart & mind
continuously entertwining
thoughts
into verbal action
enticing me
eluding me....
makin me realize
there is beauty
in friendship
beauty
in conversation
beauty
in relaxing
to the
subtle tones within her voice

conversing with her...im taken back
to memory lane
remembering...
the butterflies
the anxious times
the tounge tied nights
being...verbally cajoled
apparently it doesnt take much
and yet all she did was
speak
sing
lull me...
into her world

where do i go now?

2009-01-28T20:09:00.001-05:00

As a little girl I hoped Id find happiness without heart break. Little did I know that growing up you felt both. I dreamed of meeting that infamous ONE. The one that would make me eternally happy and we would have a family & grow old together. Many times I thought I found that ONE...instead it was a clouded version. Just about fake....

Ive been told that you have to go thro the good to get to the bad. Why does someone so good have to go thro so much heartache, pain, lonliness....so many tryin times? Why? I don't know and I know that I can't answer this. I know that life is a test...a journey...a trial. Thro the trials & tribulations we must remain strong....head held high & even a little smile on the face....

Right now I can't. I seem to be stuck in the middle of me. In understanding everything that shes goin thro & other things I know nothing about because the so called communication is severly lackin...I stay open minded and remember...that everything does happen for a reason. The distance def doesnt help. I am tryin to be the strong one & reach out...but if she doesnt reach back...there is nothing more I can do but anticipate her full arrival...if that happens.

I thought...once again that I found that...the one...the one that would unlock the door...the one that would wipe away from the haziness that keeps cloudin my eyes, heart & mind....the one that would lift the heaviness from my chest...the one that would keep me happy & we would be there for each other.

I think tooo much....I love too hard....I fall to fast....I love.....too easily...

The wound has reopended...

Im bleeding love...and there is no bandaid to stop the bleeding...

mi estrella [my star]

2009-01-25T01:58:00.000-05:00

1.25.09

mi estrella

i ache
so i fake
that im ok
i act like i dont have problems
that my hearts not missin you
that my minds not goin insane
but thats not the truth....

its been on over time
workin around the clock
thinkin about you
i cant stop it
i cant ease it
until i see you
until i hear your...
voice
in my ear

ease my sorrow
ease my vacated mind
fill it with your...
sunshine

my night
is missing its star
you are my rainbow
after the rain
the sparkle
in the diamond
the comfort
in newness

im not afraid
of love
im not afraid
to care
im not afraid
to lose my mind
im not afraid
to tell you how i feel
coz im doin that now
i just...
dont wanna say too much
too fast
i want it to last
let my thoughts marinate
and when i tell you
ill blow your mind

im not letting go
im not backing down
im not stoppin...
know that im not goin newhere
im right here
beside you
regardless the distance
im here

hm...

2009-01-25T01:54:00.000-05:00

its apparent i cant stop writing...at the moment neway. listenin to jamie foxx lol.....and thinkin about the convo that went on @ dinner w/friends about some so called 'art' that was on the wall of the restaurant we were in. a girl i knew from school called a selected piece 'in the mood' lol.....smh. im startin to think theres a full moon comin up. or somethings in the air. idk. all i kno is....i cant stop writing. i cant stop thinkin. i cant stop missin....

her.

now that ive regained contact with her. im in the longin mood like in FULL force its ridiculous. *sigh*

so i have pep talks [yes i talk to myself IN MY HEAD neway LOL]....and tell myself i need to slow down before i push this one away. its not gonna be like the last time. last time...was toooo fast tooooo soon and it ended abrublty. *sigh* im slowly gettin over the bitterness of it all and how things ended but the broad just left a bitter taste in my mouth that will continue to linger until i fully let it go.

ANYWAY....heres another piece to follow.....enjoy

you...

2009-01-25T01:45:00.000-05:00

1.25.08

you...

i cant stress enough
i cant conceal it enough
i cant control it for long
i cant....

my minds runnin a maze around you
i long to find you
i long to connect with you
i long to meet you
i long to hear....

your voice
your laughter
see...
your smile
you sleep
you breath
your every movement

i long to be around you sooo much
i long to hold you
i long to be with you sooo much...

that...
its bothering me
its saddening me
its makin me feel lonely
its making me feel negelected...
at times

i miss you....more than i can say
i miss you....more than i tell you
i care about you...more than you kno
so why is it so hard
hard to care
hard to share
hard to balance my time
and your time
because we dont have me time
i miss you
and i just want to see you
sooner
than later
cuz im afraid...
later
will by pass the both of us
and i dont want that
i need all that...
is you
beside me

just to have your presence known
i would drown
in the embodiment of your beautiful soul
i cant let go
i cant...
let
u
go

baby.....
i miss you....
so

her...not you

2009-01-25T01:44:00.000-05:00

shaw & broadway were waiting to read this since i bragged about it LOL.....i love it...another strong piece....
-------------

1.21.09

her...not you

do you miss someone so much..
you wanna cry?
well i do
and for once...its not you
its her
my star
my songstress
my caged yet free butterfly
my smile
my stress easer
my second wind
my beautiful sunrise

you see...
shes given me everything you didn't
positivity
reliability
quality...
time
her time
was my time
our time
she is...
my blood
my food
my nerves
my breath
my energy
my light
my nutrients
my everything

tho she's not you...
and i know
shes everything your not
my backbone
my strength
my heart beat
my pusher
when things got rough SHE was there
not you
she held me down
pushed a smile on this teared up face
pushed my eyes open to see that--
YES there is beauty after heartbreak!
YES there is peace in ones soul
after heartbreak

SHE is my reason for writing
SHE is my reason for smiling
SHE is my reason for feeling
SHE is my reason for loving
for...i finally love another
i FINALLY care for another
i FINALLY think about another
and im sorry to bust your bubble
but
no
it is really
and i mean really
not
you

To All The Boys I've Loved Before" Mayda Del Valle

2009-01-20T19:24:00.000-05:00

i love poetry....and i love how this women floooowwwsss...this is another favorite....check her out

blinds are closed

2009-01-20T18:50:00.001-05:00

1.20.09

blinds are closed

out of sorts
out of placement
out of time
out of...
my mind

memories flash back
memories reappear
memories....
o so clear

feelings linger
feelings hinder
feelings render
feelings...
get in the way

stability
tranquility
the ability to...
love me
all of me
without doubting me
without questioning me
without second guessing me

but none of you could do that
judgemental
hypocritical
belittle
made me feel...
less of myself

well no more
because...
i kno who i am
i kno who ill be
i kno what i need
and its not you
with me

its just me
in the rain
against the tears
fighting against the fears
fighting against all odds
tryin to see the light
thro my darkest nights
ill find a way
to thro away
the pain
the lonliness
the bitterness
the sadness
the thoughts
of you
and me
the former...we
something you never did see
love
that was me

para escribir [to write]

2009-01-20T18:49:00.002-05:00

01.08.09

para escribir [to write]

scribble
scrabble
on my pad
isnt just a fad
its a love
its a gift from above
my craft
my crank shaft
i bust ballpoints
i prove points
i crack frowns...
into smiles
i bleed hearts
i shed tears
i release fears
i write
i fight
i bleed
i plant a seed
into ur mind
they say....knowledge is power
my words will take you higher
into the biggest denomination ever exsisted

i come prepared....hands fisted
pen enclosed
ready to make you...
fight again
love again
smile again
breathe again
think again
move you..
again

silently waiting....

2009-01-20T18:49:00.001-05:00

1.5.09

silently waiting....

i long for...
kisses
hugs
stares
words...

i long for...
conversation
vacation
meanin
escapin...

i long for....
love
companionship
butterflies
tongue tied so bad i cant speak

i long for...
you
in many ways that i refuse to tell you

i just want to...
hear your laughter on the other end
see your smile
hear from you

but
as
seconds
minutes
hours
days
weeks
..and a month go by
i still have nothing

only the...
momentary chats weve shared embeded in my brain
only the...
few pictures youve sent
only the...
emails...

yet i find my heart aching to kno your whereabouts
how your feeling
how your day was
if your breathing
rather...
if your alive

you see you told me 'better communication'
and that i needed to open up
but i feel closed up now
because you
close me in now
keep me in...
the dark
and i cant see
and all i do is think
and worry
and wonder...
if your ok

i try to...be the bigger one
i try to...let go
i try to...bypass the time
i try to
but its...
achin me
hurtin me
plaguin me
that i dont kno how you are

so i send a letter out into the oblivion
when i should be callin
but i dont want to call...
because you shouldve called

weeks ago

my forever fairytale

2009-01-20T18:48:00.000-05:00

12.27.08

my forever fairytale

i used to believe in fairy tales
like cinderella...
i would be the one to fit the glass slipper
like sleeping beauty...
my 'charming' would wake me up & we would ride away together
like jasmine
my aladdin would sweep me off into a whole new world
like the little mermaid
my prince would save me from the evil lady

thought i found...
my 'charming'
my prince
my aladdin
the one that carried the glass slipper
the love clung to my heart
never letting go
till this day...
it has a hold on me

forever floating memories
forever floating words
forever thinkin
of you
and the love that used to...
make me feel like...
cinderella
ariel
jasmine
sleeping beauty

until the harsh reality of it all
fell away
from the shell that was you
you cracked
you broke
you floated
away
like leaves blown away in the wind
i watched you slip away
walk away
drain yourself
out of me

tho youve been discarded from my life for quite sometime
an occasional butterfly floats my way
and pictures form in my mind
of someone i once knew
someone who
swept me on my magic carpet ride
carried me on a horse away from my wicked step mother
made my dream into reality
made me feel like a princess
someone
that loved me
someone
that was soley mine
someone....
that someone
was u

photographic memory

2009-01-20T18:47:00.001-05:00

12.24.08

photographic memory

she said the...
first kiss was as best as the last
she said the...
first look is where you had me at
she said the...
first touch will always be the greatest
she said the...
first time was...
unexplainable
moved mountains
reverbarated off walls
cracked floors
unhinged pictures

first look
first touch
first kiss
first time

those became the turnin point
of us
our bubble became...
our melting pot
a place where...
our bodies & minds connected and became one
a place where...
regardless of the traffic jams in our days
we could come together
a place where...
so much energy surrounded us
that you could almost light up the city

first memories
are all i have
first memories
are all i need
first memories
are held in my scrapbooked mind
first memories
is where i leave it...
the past
behind

thinkin....

2009-01-20T18:46:00.002-05:00

12.22.08

thinkin....

light skinned
edged up
or
curls to play in
red boned & fair face
dark eyes
subtle smile
killah swag
tender touch
swoony scent

dark skinned
dreaded
slanted...caramel eyes
easy stare
soothin voice
familiar embrace
swagga...all their own

love...
love it all
the individuality
the subtle words
the calming touch
the scent that lingers
the little things
the many things

to remember it all
is like takin a trip down memory lane
that id rather not rehash
not that its bad
not that its good
just lookin back...
has done me no good
just rehashing old feelings
old memories
old
thats all it is...
old
the former
the before
before...
the new
the future
the soon to come
of a new begining...
soon...
to come

my...secret

2009-01-20T18:46:00.001-05:00

12.21.08

my...secret

i thought about you today...
and altho your always on my mind
tonite was different
thoughts of...
ur breath in my ear
u lookin me in my eye
with that...seductive stare
kissin my cheek
movin down to my neck
while ur hand grazes my thigh
wantin to...
glide up
the edge of my panty line

see...
ive thought of you
many times
many ways
many nights
but ive never told you

never told you...
how i think of you
never told you...
how ive fantasized about you
never told you...
how ive pictured you & i
together
linked
skin to skin
breath cloudin up the room
coz its so heavy
every move vibratin the walls
coz its soo ridiculous

ive wanted you
ive thought of you
in many ways
in many places
at many times...
i just
never told you
you are...
my
best kept secret

hazy

2009-01-20T18:45:00.000-05:00

12.14.08

hazy

i think about you...
like clock work
i think about you...
like im studying
i think about you...
because i want to
i think about you...
because i like you
i think about you...
so are you thinkin of me...
right now too?

its so hard to pin point the feeling
its so hard to not kno how im feelin
mixed emotions
occasional sidetracks
rearended fender bender
...gave me dizzy spells
causing me to forget things
like i caught amnesia
forgot feelings
forgot butterflies
forgot anxiousness
forgot the way little things were sentimental
forgot...

i dont know if its from being pushed aside
i dont know if its from being disregarded
i dont know if its from being insecure...occasionally
i dont know if its from feeling neglected

yet...i dont want to stray away
because part of me feels like i found my way...
back into love
but uncertainty
and sleepless nights
make me wonder
is it worth it all
is it worth the fall
is it?

i wont kno...
till i find out
i wont know...
i wont know...
will i....
ever kno?

questions...

2009-01-20T18:44:00.004-05:00

11.28.08

questions...

how do you
love the one that tore your heart in two
how do you
continuously think about them regardless the circumstances?
how do you
still seem to care...slightly
how do you
go on
how do you
let go
how do you
look pass the past
and towards the future
how do you
ease your heart out of pain
how do you
start again
how do you
learn to trust again
how do you
stop thinkin
of random nights
or
their smile
their being
them
how do you
stop it all
how do you
fall away
from what is nothing anymore
and shift your feelings to more important things
how do you
how do you?

its just a ghost

2009-01-20T18:44:00.003-05:00

11.25.08

its just a ghost

my heads pounding
my heart aches
my eyes seeked for true beauty
only to find out that...
it was all just a falacy
lies
consisting of 'i love you's
which i lead to believe were also true
yet...broke my heart
into a thousand pieces
as the clock turned
and within the blink of an eye...
seconds
became minutes
and minutes...
turned into hours
and hours...
became days
and then the days...
turned into weeks
which turned into months
and here i am
stuck
bitter
my heart keep beating
but also bleeding
caused by trifling memories
stabbed
then sutured
shot
then bandaged
kicked
..then bandaged again

how many times
how many nights
how many more tears
how do i...
erase the fears
subside tears
push away agony
for the pain u caused me
YES i still write
NO i dont care
i dont give a FUCK
if you stare
your names not in my mouth
just the imagery of what i knew
lingers like a ghost in my mind
a dream
a fantasy
what i THOUGHT was reality
until it all hit me
like ton of bricks
slamming
scratching
breaking
bruising
leaving...
traces of...your unwanted self
traces of you
all around

i gotta find a way
i need to find a way
its necessary to get away
from
the ghost of you

when your gone...

2009-01-20T18:44:00.001-05:00

11.25.08

when your gone...

i miss you
like clouds missing in the sky
i miss you
like sand missing from a beach
i miss you
like a child without either parent
i miss you
like a blind person wantin sight
i miss you
like my pen misses my pad
i miss you
like i miss my family
i miss you
like every valentine day card ever forgotten
like every birthday card ever forgotten
like every anniversary that was missed
like every special moment that you were too busy to attend

i miss you
as if every moment in my life was taken from me
as if my memory in my mind was cleared away
as if i wouldnt see you for years
as if i hadnt seen you yesterday

i guard my heart
i love my life
i love those...in my life
the cherished friendships i hold close
the ones gone...are missed memories
so true
so real
so vibrant
so loving
so....you
just stay
and together we...
will leave our footprints
in the sands of our friendship

loves slow death

2009-01-20T18:43:00.001-05:00

11.17.08

loves slow death

stepped over the ledge
fell 20 stories down
bones shatter
im all mangled
blood dripped...
everything ached
cant move
cant breathe
cant see
only sense is my ability to hear

memories of you & i suffocated my brain
words you said drip drop thro an IV into my blood stream
affectin me and...
every thought
every move
every change
every feeling
just everything

i feel so addicted
i wasnt weened off
the drug which was your love
just forced off
left me crying
left me shaking
left me unwilling...
to do nething
left me blind...
to every good thing that stood before me

my heart feels like a blank canvas awaiting its painter
yet i feel molded at the edges
and its slowly seepin towards the center...
suffocating me
enclosing me
covering me
and leaving me...
empty

half empty

2009-01-20T18:42:00.002-05:00

10.29.08

half empty

fill the void
before i pull the plug
fill the void
before i plug the hole
fill the void
before i shut the door
fill the void
before i say no more

when does the end
become the new begining
when does turning the page
make you feel better
when does the past stay the past
and leave you feeling better
when do old memories float away
and dont come back your way
when does old love leave you alone
and not become a reminder to haunt you...all day long

fragments of you
are lodged in my brain
each sad song
causes memories to float back in
each sappy love movie
causes me to frown
i thought i moved on
i thought i let go
i thought i could look pass it all...
yet i feel im still holding on
to something so wrong
something so hurtful
something so...unnecessary
something that is nothing
something that should mean nothing...
but means more than i can explain
i dont know what it is
i dont why....
that you still linger
that you still hinder...
my ability to think
my ability to blink...
clearly
for honestly...
your still around
and i still frown
at the madness
and the sadness...
that you brought to my life

now im half empty in my life
tryin to fix whats broken
tryin to mend a broken...
heart
while we space apart...us
with distance and time
eventually ill forgive
eventually ill let go
eventually i wont be bitter
eventually it wont hurt
eventually itll fade
eventually ill be ok
eventually

the real deal

2009-01-20T18:42:00.001-05:00

10.29.08

the real deal

she called it a rebound
she thought i was a free thro
we had a love match
which turned out to be foul play
what i thought was a touch down
i ended up gettin flagged

love threw me a curve ball
love dealt its cards
and i was ready
i was prepared
but the player came unequiped
to handle the battle
they didnt lay down the cards
they couldnt suit up
they didnt practice
they...instead cheated at love
passed go
nearly went to jail
fumbled before the touch down
couldnt score a goal
no home runs here

the real deal
the purebread
the touch down
the ace card
the home run
the last goal
the out of bounds
the last shot in the final inning...

real love...is me
im searchin for a real love...
a cloud 9 love
a real deal love
coz thas the kind of love i want
thas the kind of love i need
real love
im searchin for it...
are you
that one?

they say...

2009-01-20T18:41:00.001-05:00

10.28.08

they say...

they say to love slow
they say to let love flow
they say to love deep
they say to let love seep...thro your pores
till you cant take no more
they say to love passionately
they say to love faithfully
they say to love honestly
they say to love purely

what they dont say is...the pain of love
the breaking of love
the tears of sad love
the sleepless nites from ending it love
the falling so hard you might hit your face love
we get no warning love
they tell us all the good
yet leave out the bad
we experience both...sometimes wishin we never had
everything happens for a reason...they say
feelings change like seasons..they say
love breaks you
yet molds you
love tames you
yet muffles you
love...the power of it...they say
is unexplainable
unmoveable
love...they say
is the greatest gift
after life
love...is unending
always unmending
or so...they say

anticipation...

2009-01-20T18:40:00.002-05:00

10.19.08

anticipation...

like ink blots of art
my mind forms images
of 1st times with you
1st smile
1st laugh
1st hug
1st being together

youve captured me...already
thought ive been hesitant thro the months
i wont take you for granted again
everyday...i long to hear your voice
everynight...i long to see your face
every week...i long to be close to you
when will that be
when will i be able to have you...close to me
embrace you
laugh with you
talk to you
connect with you
when?
sooner
than later...
i imagine
until then...i wait
until then...i participate
in gettin to kno u
all of you
every inch
every centimeter
every crevice
every section...
of your brain
of your heart
of your soul
and eventually...of your body
if you let me
for now
i just embrace
the conversation
and the jokes
and the laughter
and the pictures
for now
until that day
i anticipate...
it all

discard

2009-01-20T18:40:00.001-05:00

10.17.08

discard

remove you...
from the cracks in my brain
and fill them with...
better times
laughter
more meaningful memories
tho you meant alot to me
i want you gone
i want you out
i want the memory of you to...
float away
so i dont see you anymore
so i dont wonder about you anymore
so i dont think about you anymore
so i dont dream about you anymore
so i dont recollect...
old thoughts
old feelings
old words
old times...
times i thought were real
times i thought would last longer than a min
but within a second...
you were gone
and i was shown no remorse
for you discarding me
abandoning me
you left me
you neglected me
you forgot about me
you walked away from me

now i wash you out of my brain
like yestrdays haircare product
and be done with how i feel
and be done with how i think
and be done with how i...
used to care
used to share
just be done with...
all that i used to do...
used to
because i dont
anymore
with you

she haunts me

2009-01-20T18:39:00.002-05:00

10.13.08

she haunts me

i grip the pen
and scratch the paper
as thoughts & images float thro my mind
visions of you smiling
hearing your laughter in my mind
tho its been months since ive seen you
months since ive heard your voice
i still remember the 1st day
as well as the last day
i still remember our first convo
as well as our last one
yet my heart yearns for more
and i dont kno why
my heart yearns for your embrace
your kiss
a conversation
a stare
something to let me kno i have a connection with you...
but it wont happen...
yet all the while i think im no one
a nobody
a mere fantasy
someone you wanted
and when reality hit
you couldnt handle it
so you pushed away the dream
swallowed poison
and walked away

harsh words
cold thoughts
empty heart
empty stare
meaningless words were fed to me
yet i still believed that...
you still loved me
you still cared
and...you would come back

sometimes i wonder
if waiting around is worth it
sometimes i wonder
if lingering on past memories is worth it
sometimes i wonder
if i was ever real to you
sometimes i wonder
if i meant anything to you

why do i keep writing about you
why do i keep thinkin about you
i dont know...
i just know that ive tried to let go
and ive tried to show
that i didnt care
and put on that fake stare
but i cant
and i wont
because it all needs to fall away
and i need to push away
thoughts
sounds
and anything that links me to you
because
i have to
move on

reoccuring thoughts of you

2009-01-20T18:39:00.001-05:00

10.13.08

reoccuring thoughts of you

you are soul i cant forget
you are a memory i cant erase
you are a picture i cant throw away
you are a call i cant ignore

i remember...
your laughter
your stare
your personality
your voice

4 months later & im still haunted with memories
4 months later & im still reminded of you
4 months later & i feel that i still love you
4 months later & i find myself missing you

i dont know what it is
i cant put my finger on it....
i dont know what it is but...
maybe you were the missing piece to my life puzzle
maybe you were my breath of fresh air
maybe you were my destiny
maybe you were my meant to be...

this ill never know
because distance has come between us
pain from a former has held us...
apart
still...thoughts of u hurting me..tore ME apart
you walked around with your head held high
all the while...
i was here
pickin up the broken pieces
putting myself back together
yet STILL missing you
yet STILL wanting you
but you walked away
didnt look my way
until you felt it was necessary
to speak to me

i dont know what to say
and i dont kno what to do
pieces of me
just cant let go of you
but i have to start somewhere...
and atleast try
and let go

old to new

2009-01-20T18:38:00.003-05:00

10.11.08

old to new

when its all said and done...
will you look back and realize
that i was there for you
that i loved you
that i cared for you
that i basically...
worshipped your entire being
even if it went without seein...
you for days

the ones that raised me said this love was just a phase
and when i blazed...
it would be gone
like a flicker of a flash
with a blink of an eye
it'd disapear
yet i always found it...
reappearin
to me
in different forms
different lights
different beings
the word love started to have different meanings
they would say...i love you
to make me stay
they would say...i love you
to make the tears go astray
they would say...i love you
to make the pain ease off my mind
they would say...i love you
to make a smile appear
they would say...i love you
then...slowly disapear

can you reappear
can you show me whats fake from real
can you make me feel...
alive again
smile again
laugh again
dance again
love again?

i dont know
the image is hazy
love is hazy
and ive become lazy
to loves embrace
i hesitate to run
i hesitate to feel
i hesitate to deal
with new beginings
for false endings
guarded me
scared me
bruised me
yet...tempted me
to create a new me
with a hint of the old me

to take chances
live in new romances
new embraces
new faces
new feelings
new love dealings
new blessings

so out with the old
and in with the new
out with my past
and thats just to name a few

crash & burn

2009-01-20T18:38:00.001-05:00

10.9.08

crash & burn

it was a system overload
frame by frame
i watched the screen...flicker
fade in and out
power surge
intensity
overpowerment
the shock absortion was broken
water seeped thro the cracks
hitting the metal motherboard
causing sparks
causing disarray
causing...damage
electrical damage
infused by liquids

i knocked over the cup
spilled the coffee
onto the tower
sparks flew
smoke rose
and i panicked
broke down
...is it fixable?
i wonder
i dont want a replacement
or a refurbished piece
i want to wipe out the memory
back track
carefully
when hesitation sat in
go back to that one place
that one spot
where you mentioned a certain thing
and i would realize...
that now was not the time
now wasnt a good time
for me to be selfish
BE considerate
is what i forgot
and im sorry
that i forgot
you
while thinkin...
of me
selfishly
i abrubtly inflicted pain
made a stain
on the frame
of your heart
i apologize
so i improvise
with these words
and these phrases
like a towel clearin the stain
i want to make things better
clear away the rain for you
clear out the dark clouds in the sky for you
im sorry...
for hurting you
im sorry...
for being selfish
im sorry...
for being inconsiderate...
im clearly just...
sorry
for the mess
the overload
the crashing
the stain
im.
sorry

out of context

2009-01-20T18:37:00.001-05:00

9.19.08

out of context

its all irrelevant
because your translucent
to me

to me....
you were a dream that never became real
the fallacy of you leaves me unable to heal
unable to accept truth from lies
to know the difference between real & fake cries
your objective
left me subjected
to...not knowin if i had you all along
or were you far gone
before you ever became mine
because in my mind...
you were more than a dream
you were more than i seemed...
to believe
and i believe...
you did love me
and you did want me
but i push away the mere notion of it all
and i fall
away
i push away...
thoughts
feelings
memories
laughter
kisses
the 'i love you's
fade away
crumble...
and turn into lies
unanswered questions go unnoticed
I go unnoticed
I get neglected....
for what???
for you not knowin what you want
for you not being able to tell great from fake
for you not being able to let go and move on...
is where i went wrong
because now i am unable to do the same
occasionally i find my heart latched
i just want it to be patched
and i want to be able to start over
but i cant start over
till i flip over
the page
and start anew...
without
you

loving....

2009-01-20T18:36:00.002-05:00

09.05.08

loving....

im still tryin to feel it
im still tryin to heal it
me
want to feel the butterflies in my tummy
smile when they say they love me
cuddle with them when they are near me
the object of my affection
the one who will hold my attention
has yet to come forward...i believe
i believe...
you go thro the bad to get to the good
and no one should...
settle for less
than complete happiness
2nd best...
is not the greatest
1st place
is the greatest place
when will i feel it...soon enough
when will i see her...soon enough
patience is a virtue
and if i wait long enough ill see all this thro

the haze will fade
the pain will subside & be long gone
memories wont hurt me
the past wont falter me

every minute is worth the wait
altho i hesitate...
id rather wait than rush

rememberin love...

2009-01-20T18:36:00.001-05:00

8.30.08

rememberin love...

i remember...
your smile
your style
your smell
the way your eyes fell...
when you looked at me
how you held me

i remember...
words unspoken
but more so...words spoken
that broke me
shook me
rocked my world
hurled
absurdity
your...humilty
inflicted upon me
wounded me

but im taller now
im wiser now
tho i miss you from time to time
you have just become a memory that i loved...once upon a time
once so fine
broke the love
you were my gift from above
but...push came to shove
and there isnt anythin to show
but the love i did show
now its obliterated
vanished
into the air
and i stare
into the sky
....no more questions why
ive surpassed it
ive gone thro it
and now im finally done with it
so i leave it
on the door step
for you to find...a memory
of what used to be...

newness....

2009-01-20T18:34:00.000-05:00

8.30.08

newness....

collectively written
my eyes are smitten
by you
i get nervous...when i stand by you
but i inhale
and exhale
to maintain my composure
and you smile...and i lose it all over...
again

you see...im tryin to feel again
to love again
to see beauty far more than the outside...again
you breathe new light
into my night
you breathe new meaning
into everything
that i pushed aside
i was always wanting to run and hide
mask myself up
post up
in the darkest corner...so you couldnt find me

but it would be ok because i could see you...
and watch you
from afar
like pandoras box...i have lifted my heart ajar
to let feelings seep in
let familiarity come in
i want the former
not the old lover
but the similarity
of someone loving me
for all of me
soulfully
passionately

take me...day by day
take me...but once you get to kno me...will you stay?
ill wait
and i wont hesitate
not this time
not like last time
theres a difference
an elegance
an air
makes me not hold a stare
because i stutter
and stumble
and fumble
for the right words to say to you
instead...i just smile at you
and say...ill talk to you later
until next time...
ill look over the mental pictures
i have of you

written for a wedding....'her fairytale come true'

2009-01-20T18:32:00.000-05:00

This is a piece i wrote for my friends wedding that i was in....lol....i wrote it @ 3am...the day OF THE WEDDING lol....they loved it. =D hope u do as well.
--------------------------------------------

08.23.08

her fairytale come true

she wanted someone to care
she wanted someone to share...
her world
instead she was left in the world...
alone
with no one to call her own
until one day
he came her way
they met thro a friend
and became each others friend
he never strayed away
but she never thought hed stay...
this long

fate had them matched up
fate had them held up
until one moment
became THEIR moment
frienship
turned into relationship
their love has withstood the test of time
and they say true love is hard to find
well what we see rite here is true
true love will find you
when you least expect it
coz she sure didnt expect it....

and...this...life
this...wedding
this...future
this...rite now

blessed are they...to have met when they did
blessed are they...to have love like they do
blessed are we...to share in this special day...with the both of you

someday....

2009-01-20T18:30:00.002-05:00

08.07.08

someday....

brush the tears off
dont brush the fears off
mingle
while they tingle
your soul
enter the hole
also known as...your life

complete me
sedate me
surround me
love me
cherish me
care for me
favor me
miss me

give me energy
stability
happiness
yield sadness...
away
but dont stray
stay...
and keep me company
help me...
when i need you
be there for me....when i want you
stay around
turn my frown around...
into a smile
make me high
make me fly
into the sky
sit high...
in love
i wanna be in love...
again
feel stability...again
feel complete...again
feel loved...again
feel one...again
i will someday feel it all over...
again

untitled

2009-01-20T18:30:00.001-05:00

08.07.08

untitled

i hate how i...cant dislike you no matter how hard i have tried
i hate how i...cant get you off my mind
i hate how i...constantly write about you
i hate how i...still think about you
i hate how...our conversations seem artificial
i hate how...we seem not to know each other
i hate how...i cant talk to you
i hate how...i tend to act like i dont kno you
its been hard
and ive been hard
on myself
tryin to better myself
push the past behind
and leave it behind
but it creeps up
and stays up
lodged in my brain
makin it hard to maintain
i dont get how you act the way you do with me
i dont get how you can be so cold to me
like i was nothin
n i meant nothin
i dont know
what i do kno
is im tired of placin it all out there
when theres nothin out there
its just air
and me
alone

in findin me...i leave you

2009-01-20T18:29:00.000-05:00

08.01.08

in findin me...i leave you

i run towards an image of someone i once loved now standing before me
i run towards an image of a memory
i run towards a love i once knew
i run towards a love i believed was brand new

now...i walk away from the pain
i walk away to clear the stain
i walk away and let you go
i walk and turn the other way so i wont show...
the anguish
so you cant tell im being selfish
and that i still want you for myself
yet this wantin and needin you is causin my health...
to deteriorate
at a slow pace
while my heart beats at a rapid pace
i struggle to breath
like i struggle to leave
the memories behind
thoughts of you behind
im struggling
im having a hard time balancing
the past...with the present
and im hesitant
to start again
to love again
to let someone else in
so i stay within....
my mind
and i find
excuses to shield the 'good'
when i should
try again
be me again
the person i was before i met you
the one who was ready to do anything for you
try anything with you
do anything to be with you
can i do that with another?
is there another....
out there for me?
i thought you were the one for me
eventually ill find completeness...again
ill find me...again
shes out there
they are out there
im out there
somewhere

dont wait...

2009-01-20T18:28:00.000-05:00

08.04.08

dont wait...

attraction
satisfaction
of the mind boggling conversation...
which leads to hesitation
i get kinda nervous
and my mind swerves...
when you smile
you make me wanna stay a while
i wanna play it cool
yet at the same time i feel like im actin like a fool
i dont know what im doin
i dont know where im goin
but im ready to stay on the road im on
even if it takes too long
i wanna get to kno you
and talk to you
but for some reason i keep pushin back
and i lack
the force i used to have
the drive i used to have
i can find it again
im ready to begin again...
i think
i gotta hurry tho...coz if i blink
you...
might be gone

gap...

2009-01-20T18:25:00.000-05:00

08.01.08

gap...

in the midst of clouds
i find my heart
in disarray
scattered in two
faintly...i pick up my discarded pieces
tuck it away in a bag
and trudge to safety
happiness was something that once exsisted
now is extinct
6ft deep within my soul
is a hole
that was once filled
skilled hands
dug the grave
and left me to find things to fill it with
objects that grabbed my attention?
no
feelings i mistook to be real
no

instead i leave it empty and...
rain
weeds
flowers occasionally scatter within
but nothing fills it
entirely
empty...i am
and its all because of
you

new to this

2009-01-20T03:32:00.000-05:00

i decided to make a page here because a friend of mine [shaw busta] has one and id rather have my work up here as opposed to where i normally have it.

im a poet...sooooooo this is where ill b posting my work. i have ALOT...but the ones that i have saved on my computer is what ill b posting.

sooo with that said....please stay tuned!!