random late night babble....

So...I've been a mess for the past three days. I think its more so because I'm having separation anxiety from everyone within my cell...because....I CANT TEXT!! well I mean I can text...but I dont get anything back. I feel like I've been punished for loving to text. LOL...I know...this may seem crazy....but my close friends know me and know that texting is like...me.

So anyway...I've been talking to someone for a lil bit now. We've been online pals for a min....things have been always on a friendship level...and its still there. Yet I miss her....like...some kinda bad [as she would say]. Now we talk...flirt...just chill on the phone together like we are actually in each others presence. I can't pin point what it is about her that draws me closer and closer to her each day. Hours go by and i don't speak to her I feel like imma lose my mind.

Now...my texts have been on a fritz since friday afternoon. She and I text while we are at work...various times thro the day...before we call each other and such. Now that I am not able to do so...it's buggin me. I dont feel as connected as I have been the last few weeks we've been texting each other. Now don't get me wrong...I love talking to her. There are times where that is allll i want to do and shes told me that she feels the same way. I'm starting to feel needy and constantly wanting to hear her voice to make me feel that everything is still the same. You know...just to have the reassurance that...to make sure the thoughts and whatever feelings she has for me didn't change. Now call me a sap or what have you but communication is def a keypoint in getting to know someone esp if you are interested in them.

Things between us didn't start off this way. I honestly never thought it would be this way. I def find her attractive and the more and more I get to know the little things about her...and just speakin to her....makes me ever so anxious to meet her. It's insane.

She and I started off as friends [like i stated earlier in the begining of the blog]. I came across her page because she is a poet like myself. Read a few of her pieces she had posted up and of course left comments and then requested her as a friend simply because I wanted to keep up with her work. We spoke online from time to time but not on a regular. Then one day out of the blue she was online n hit me up...before that we hadnt chatted in maybe weeks. She gave me her # to keep in touch with her. So i hit her up. We became instant text buddies and then...I called her one night....for some reason I cant remember why. I was on my way home from a whack club @ 1.30 am on valentines day. I think previously we were chatting about actually speaking on the phone but we were both nervous to do so. lol. So I left her a long message...just rambling. I can't remember when we first spoke...but I do remember not wanting to get off the phone with her. We have been a 'hit' since.

Every conversation has been saturated in my brain and I want more of them. I'm itching to meet her but I want to make sure she feels the way eventho I feel she does...I just want to be sure. I'm not the type to push up on someone because I know how that feels. I just want to ride the wave and just see what happens. I let her know from time to time that I miss her and that she is on my mind and such[and she does the same with me]. I don't want to suffocate her....yet I don't want her to feel I've strayed. You feel me? She is just....different than anyone I have came in contact with. Altho I barely know her...I feel connected to her in more ways than I can explain. *sigh* I just dont want to lose touch with her...and I know I won't...I just get those thoughts and start to feel someway when I start to like someone. So I guess this is just natural fro me. She is the only one that i know of that is consistent as far as keeping her interest up. It's insane...and it makes my heart flutter. She is a mind blower...she is....multi talented beyond anyone i know....mmmm....she has been dubbed....my lullaby *smiles*

ha ha...This blog has been more about her than anything else....hm....but I feel good after writing this....thinkin about her....while shes sleepin her bed....missin u sweetheart....

sending this out to cyberspace....

been a min!!

man its been almost a month since i post. my apologies for those who come n check me out on here. ive been slacking but i kno that now i will keep up with it. almost forgot ALLL my necessary log in info here *gasp* lol...guess my old age is catching up to me. LOL....sooooo here is 2 current ones....hope you enjoy!!

2.7.09

fading

snap...the light switch
snap...your fingers
snap...your emotions
snap...your eyes

shut...from every form of reality
shut...from the beauty of ACTUAL realness
shut...from letting anything good come in

i never had the key
i never had the pass to free roam
i never had the interview
i never had the special meeting
i never had the 1st date
i never had you

i will always have 1st memories
1st conversations
1st nicknames
1st falling out
1st butterfly
1st smile
1st...feeling wanted
1st...feeling GOOD
1st...feeling loved
1st...feeling connected

you were my inkling
my hook line & sinker
my chip to my salsa
my oreo to my milk
the sugar in my sweet tea
the rainbow in my clear sky
the perfect beat along with my tight verse

ill forever remember you
ill forever hold you
ill forever miss you
until
we connect
again
----------------------------------------------------------------

2.23.09

she has...

her voice
eludes me
soothes me
moves my...
heart
into another
time
place
exsistence

she has captured
my mind
my attention
focus on anything else
is a distraction
and i cant help
but to be focused
on just words
conversation
relaxation

she has...
elated me
calmed me
dwelled....
in my heart & mind
continuously entertwining
thoughts
into verbal action
enticing me
eluding me....
makin me realize
there is beauty
in friendship
beauty
in conversation
beauty
in relaxing
to the
subtle tones within her voice

conversing with her...im taken back
to memory lane
remembering...
the butterflies
the anxious times
the tounge tied nights
being...verbally cajoled
apparently it doesnt take much
and yet all she did was
speak
sing
lull me...
into her world

where do i go now?

As a little girl I hoped Id find happiness without heart break. Little did I know that growing up you felt both. I dreamed of meeting that infamous ONE. The one that would make me eternally happy and we would have a family & grow old together. Many times I thought I found that ONE...instead it was a clouded version. Just about fake....

Ive been told that you have to go thro the good to get to the bad. Why does someone so good have to go thro so much heartache, pain, lonliness....so many tryin times? Why? I don't know and I know that I can't answer this. I know that life is a test...a journey...a trial. Thro the trials & tribulations we must remain strong....head held high & even a little smile on the face....

Right now I can't. I seem to be stuck in the middle of me. In understanding everything that shes goin thro & other things I know nothing about because the so called communication is severly lackin...I stay open minded and remember...that everything does happen for a reason. The distance def doesnt help. I am tryin to be the strong one & reach out...but if she doesnt reach back...there is nothing more I can do but anticipate her full arrival...if that happens.

I thought...once again that I found that...the one...the one that would unlock the door...the one that would wipe away from the haziness that keeps cloudin my eyes, heart & mind....the one that would lift the heaviness from my chest...the one that would keep me happy & we would be there for each other.

I think tooo much....I love too hard....I fall to fast....I love.....too easily...

The wound has reopended...

Im bleeding love...and there is no bandaid to stop the bleeding...

mi estrella [my star]

1.25.09

mi estrella

i ache
so i fake
that im ok
i act like i dont have problems
that my hearts not missin you
that my minds not goin insane
but thats not the truth....

its been on over time
workin around the clock
thinkin about you
i cant stop it
i cant ease it
until i see you
until i hear your...
voice
in my ear

ease my sorrow
ease my vacated mind
fill it with your...
sunshine

my night
is missing its star
you are my rainbow
after the rain
the sparkle
in the diamond
the comfort
in newness

im not afraid
of love
im not afraid
to care
im not afraid
to lose my mind
im not afraid
to tell you how i feel
coz im doin that now
i just...
dont wanna say too much
too fast
i want it to last
let my thoughts marinate
and when i tell you
ill blow your mind

im not letting go
im not backing down
im not stoppin...
know that im not goin newhere
im right here
beside you
regardless the distance
im here

hm...

its apparent i cant stop writing...at the moment neway. listenin to jamie foxx lol.....and thinkin about the convo that went on @ dinner w/friends about some so called 'art' that was on the wall of the restaurant we were in. a girl i knew from school called a selected piece 'in the mood' lol.....smh. im startin to think theres a full moon comin up. or somethings in the air. idk. all i kno is....i cant stop writing. i cant stop thinkin. i cant stop missin....

her.

now that ive regained contact with her. im in the longin mood like in FULL force its ridiculous. *sigh*

so i have pep talks [yes i talk to myself IN MY HEAD neway LOL]....and tell myself i need to slow down before i push this one away. its not gonna be like the last time. last time...was toooo fast tooooo soon and it ended abrublty. *sigh* im slowly gettin over the bitterness of it all and how things ended but the broad just left a bitter taste in my mouth that will continue to linger until i fully let it go.

ANYWAY....heres another piece to follow.....enjoy

you...

1.25.08

you...

i cant stress enough
i cant conceal it enough
i cant control it for long
i cant....

my minds runnin a maze around you
i long to find you
i long to connect with you
i long to meet you
i long to hear....

your voice
your laughter
see...
your smile
you sleep
you breath
your every movement

i long to be around you sooo much
i long to hold you
i long to be with you sooo much...

that...
its bothering me
its saddening me
its makin me feel lonely
its making me feel negelected...
at times

i miss you....more than i can say
i miss you....more than i tell you
i care about you...more than you kno
so why is it so hard
hard to care
hard to share
hard to balance my time
and your time
because we dont have me time
i miss you
and i just want to see you
sooner
than later
cuz im afraid...
later
will by pass the both of us
and i dont want that
i need all that...
is you
beside me

just to have your presence known
i would drown
in the embodiment of your beautiful soul
i cant let go
i cant...
let
u
go

baby.....
i miss you....
so

her...not you

shaw & broadway were waiting to read this since i bragged about it LOL.....i love it...another strong piece....
-------------

1.21.09

her...not you

do you miss someone so much..
you wanna cry?
well i do
and for once...its not you
its her
my star
my songstress
my caged yet free butterfly
my smile
my stress easer
my second wind
my beautiful sunrise

you see...
shes given me everything you didn't
positivity
reliability
quality...
time
her time
was my time
our time
she is...
my blood
my food
my nerves
my breath
my energy
my light
my nutrients
my everything

tho she's not you...
and i know
shes everything your not
my backbone
my strength
my heart beat
my pusher
when things got rough SHE was there
not you
she held me down
pushed a smile on this teared up face
pushed my eyes open to see that--
YES there is beauty after heartbreak!
YES there is peace in ones soul
after heartbreak

SHE is my reason for writing
SHE is my reason for smiling
SHE is my reason for feeling
SHE is my reason for loving
for...i finally love another
i FINALLY care for another
i FINALLY think about another
and im sorry to bust your bubble
but
no
it is really
and i mean really
not
you