So...I've been a mess for the past three days. I think its more so because I'm having separation anxiety from everyone within my cell...because....I CANT TEXT!! well I mean I can text...but I dont get anything back. I feel like I've been punished for loving to text. LOL...I know...this may seem crazy....but my close friends know me and know that texting is like...me.
So anyway...I've been talking to someone for a lil bit now. We've been online pals for a min....things have been always on a friendship level...and its still there. Yet I miss her....like...some kinda bad [as she would say]. Now we talk...flirt...just chill on the phone together like we are actually in each others presence. I can't pin point what it is about her that draws me closer and closer to her each day. Hours go by and i don't speak to her I feel like imma lose my mind.
Now...my texts have been on a fritz since friday afternoon. She and I text while we are at work...various times thro the day...before we call each other and such. Now that I am not able to do so...it's buggin me. I dont feel as connected as I have been the last few weeks we've been texting each other. Now don't get me wrong...I love talking to her. There are times where that is allll i want to do and shes told me that she feels the same way. I'm starting to feel needy and constantly wanting to hear her voice to make me feel that everything is still the same. You know...just to have the reassurance that...to make sure the thoughts and whatever feelings she has for me didn't change. Now call me a sap or what have you but communication is def a keypoint in getting to know someone esp if you are interested in them.
Things between us didn't start off this way. I honestly never thought it would be this way. I def find her attractive and the more and more I get to know the little things about her...and just speakin to her....makes me ever so anxious to meet her. It's insane.
She and I started off as friends [like i stated earlier in the begining of the blog]. I came across her page because she is a poet like myself. Read a few of her pieces she had posted up and of course left comments and then requested her as a friend simply because I wanted to keep up with her work. We spoke online from time to time but not on a regular. Then one day out of the blue she was online n hit me up...before that we hadnt chatted in maybe weeks. She gave me her # to keep in touch with her. So i hit her up. We became instant text buddies and then...I called her one night....for some reason I cant remember why. I was on my way home from a whack club @ 1.30 am on valentines day. I think previously we were chatting about actually speaking on the phone but we were both nervous to do so. lol. So I left her a long message...just rambling. I can't remember when we first spoke...but I do remember not wanting to get off the phone with her. We have been a 'hit' since.
Every conversation has been saturated in my brain and I want more of them. I'm itching to meet her but I want to make sure she feels the way eventho I feel she does...I just want to be sure. I'm not the type to push up on someone because I know how that feels. I just want to ride the wave and just see what happens. I let her know from time to time that I miss her and that she is on my mind and such[and she does the same with me]. I don't want to suffocate her....yet I don't want her to feel I've strayed. You feel me? She is just....different than anyone I have came in contact with. Altho I barely know her...I feel connected to her in more ways than I can explain. *sigh* I just dont want to lose touch with her...and I know I won't...I just get those thoughts and start to feel someway when I start to like someone. So I guess this is just natural fro me. She is the only one that i know of that is consistent as far as keeping her interest up. It's insane...and it makes my heart flutter. She is a mind blower...she is....multi talented beyond anyone i know....mmmm....she has been dubbed....my lullaby *smiles*
ha ha...This blog has been more about her than anything else....hm....but I feel good after writing this....thinkin about her....while shes sleepin her bed....missin u sweetheart....
sending this out to cyberspace....
Monday, March 2, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
been a min!!
man its been almost a month since i post. my apologies for those who come n check me out on here. ive been slacking but i kno that now i will keep up with it. almost forgot ALLL my necessary log in info here *gasp* lol...guess my old age is catching up to me. LOL....sooooo here is 2 current ones....hope you enjoy!!
2.7.09
fading
snap...the light switch
snap...your fingers
snap...your emotions
snap...your eyes
shut...from every form of reality
shut...from the beauty of ACTUAL realness
shut...from letting anything good come in
i never had the key
i never had the pass to free roam
i never had the interview
i never had the special meeting
i never had the 1st date
i never had you
i will always have 1st memories
1st conversations
1st nicknames
1st falling out
1st butterfly
1st smile
1st...feeling wanted
1st...feeling GOOD
1st...feeling loved
1st...feeling connected
you were my inkling
my hook line & sinker
my chip to my salsa
my oreo to my milk
the sugar in my sweet tea
the rainbow in my clear sky
the perfect beat along with my tight verse
ill forever remember you
ill forever hold you
ill forever miss you
until
we connect
again
----------------------------------------------------------------
2.23.09
she has...
her voice
eludes me
soothes me
moves my...
heart
into another
time
place
exsistence
she has captured
my mind
my attention
focus on anything else
is a distraction
and i cant help
but to be focused
on just words
conversation
relaxation
she has...
elated me
calmed me
dwelled....
in my heart & mind
continuously entertwining
thoughts
into verbal action
enticing me
eluding me....
makin me realize
there is beauty
in friendship
beauty
in conversation
beauty
in relaxing
to the
subtle tones within her voice
conversing with her...im taken back
to memory lane
remembering...
the butterflies
the anxious times
the tounge tied nights
being...verbally cajoled
apparently it doesnt take much
and yet all she did was
speak
sing
lull me...
into her world
2.7.09
fading
snap...the light switch
snap...your fingers
snap...your emotions
snap...your eyes
shut...from every form of reality
shut...from the beauty of ACTUAL realness
shut...from letting anything good come in
i never had the key
i never had the pass to free roam
i never had the interview
i never had the special meeting
i never had the 1st date
i never had you
i will always have 1st memories
1st conversations
1st nicknames
1st falling out
1st butterfly
1st smile
1st...feeling wanted
1st...feeling GOOD
1st...feeling loved
1st...feeling connected
you were my inkling
my hook line & sinker
my chip to my salsa
my oreo to my milk
the sugar in my sweet tea
the rainbow in my clear sky
the perfect beat along with my tight verse
ill forever remember you
ill forever hold you
ill forever miss you
until
we connect
again
----------------------------------------------------------------
2.23.09
she has...
her voice
eludes me
soothes me
moves my...
heart
into another
time
place
exsistence
she has captured
my mind
my attention
focus on anything else
is a distraction
and i cant help
but to be focused
on just words
conversation
relaxation
she has...
elated me
calmed me
dwelled....
in my heart & mind
continuously entertwining
thoughts
into verbal action
enticing me
eluding me....
makin me realize
there is beauty
in friendship
beauty
in conversation
beauty
in relaxing
to the
subtle tones within her voice
conversing with her...im taken back
to memory lane
remembering...
the butterflies
the anxious times
the tounge tied nights
being...verbally cajoled
apparently it doesnt take much
and yet all she did was
speak
sing
lull me...
into her world
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
where do i go now?
As a little girl I hoped Id find happiness without heart break. Little did I know that growing up you felt both. I dreamed of meeting that infamous ONE. The one that would make me eternally happy and we would have a family & grow old together. Many times I thought I found that ONE...instead it was a clouded version. Just about fake....
Ive been told that you have to go thro the good to get to the bad. Why does someone so good have to go thro so much heartache, pain, lonliness....so many tryin times? Why? I don't know and I know that I can't answer this. I know that life is a test...a journey...a trial. Thro the trials & tribulations we must remain strong....head held high & even a little smile on the face....
Right now I can't. I seem to be stuck in the middle of me. In understanding everything that shes goin thro & other things I know nothing about because the so called communication is severly lackin...I stay open minded and remember...that everything does happen for a reason. The distance def doesnt help. I am tryin to be the strong one & reach out...but if she doesnt reach back...there is nothing more I can do but anticipate her full arrival...if that happens.
I thought...once again that I found that...the one...the one that would unlock the door...the one that would wipe away from the haziness that keeps cloudin my eyes, heart & mind....the one that would lift the heaviness from my chest...the one that would keep me happy & we would be there for each other.
I think tooo much....I love too hard....I fall to fast....I love.....too easily...
The wound has reopended...
Im bleeding love...and there is no bandaid to stop the bleeding...
Ive been told that you have to go thro the good to get to the bad. Why does someone so good have to go thro so much heartache, pain, lonliness....so many tryin times? Why? I don't know and I know that I can't answer this. I know that life is a test...a journey...a trial. Thro the trials & tribulations we must remain strong....head held high & even a little smile on the face....
Right now I can't. I seem to be stuck in the middle of me. In understanding everything that shes goin thro & other things I know nothing about because the so called communication is severly lackin...I stay open minded and remember...that everything does happen for a reason. The distance def doesnt help. I am tryin to be the strong one & reach out...but if she doesnt reach back...there is nothing more I can do but anticipate her full arrival...if that happens.
I thought...once again that I found that...the one...the one that would unlock the door...the one that would wipe away from the haziness that keeps cloudin my eyes, heart & mind....the one that would lift the heaviness from my chest...the one that would keep me happy & we would be there for each other.
I think tooo much....I love too hard....I fall to fast....I love.....too easily...
The wound has reopended...
Im bleeding love...and there is no bandaid to stop the bleeding...
Sunday, January 25, 2009
mi estrella [my star]
1.25.09
mi estrella
i ache
so i fake
that im ok
i act like i dont have problems
that my hearts not missin you
that my minds not goin insane
but thats not the truth....
its been on over time
workin around the clock
thinkin about you
i cant stop it
i cant ease it
until i see you
until i hear your...
voice
in my ear
ease my sorrow
ease my vacated mind
fill it with your...
sunshine
my night
is missing its star
you are my rainbow
after the rain
the sparkle
in the diamond
the comfort
in newness
im not afraid
of love
im not afraid
to care
im not afraid
to lose my mind
im not afraid
to tell you how i feel
coz im doin that now
i just...
dont wanna say too much
too fast
i want it to last
let my thoughts marinate
and when i tell you
ill blow your mind
im not letting go
im not backing down
im not stoppin...
know that im not goin newhere
im right here
beside you
regardless the distance
im here
mi estrella
i ache
so i fake
that im ok
i act like i dont have problems
that my hearts not missin you
that my minds not goin insane
but thats not the truth....
its been on over time
workin around the clock
thinkin about you
i cant stop it
i cant ease it
until i see you
until i hear your...
voice
in my ear
ease my sorrow
ease my vacated mind
fill it with your...
sunshine
my night
is missing its star
you are my rainbow
after the rain
the sparkle
in the diamond
the comfort
in newness
im not afraid
of love
im not afraid
to care
im not afraid
to lose my mind
im not afraid
to tell you how i feel
coz im doin that now
i just...
dont wanna say too much
too fast
i want it to last
let my thoughts marinate
and when i tell you
ill blow your mind
im not letting go
im not backing down
im not stoppin...
know that im not goin newhere
im right here
beside you
regardless the distance
im here
hm...
its apparent i cant stop writing...at the moment neway. listenin to jamie foxx lol.....and thinkin about the convo that went on @ dinner w/friends about some so called 'art' that was on the wall of the restaurant we were in. a girl i knew from school called a selected piece 'in the mood' lol.....smh. im startin to think theres a full moon comin up. or somethings in the air. idk. all i kno is....i cant stop writing. i cant stop thinkin. i cant stop missin....
her.
now that ive regained contact with her. im in the longin mood like in FULL force its ridiculous. *sigh*
so i have pep talks [yes i talk to myself IN MY HEAD neway LOL]....and tell myself i need to slow down before i push this one away. its not gonna be like the last time. last time...was toooo fast tooooo soon and it ended abrublty. *sigh* im slowly gettin over the bitterness of it all and how things ended but the broad just left a bitter taste in my mouth that will continue to linger until i fully let it go.
ANYWAY....heres another piece to follow.....enjoy
her.
now that ive regained contact with her. im in the longin mood like in FULL force its ridiculous. *sigh*
so i have pep talks [yes i talk to myself IN MY HEAD neway LOL]....and tell myself i need to slow down before i push this one away. its not gonna be like the last time. last time...was toooo fast tooooo soon and it ended abrublty. *sigh* im slowly gettin over the bitterness of it all and how things ended but the broad just left a bitter taste in my mouth that will continue to linger until i fully let it go.
ANYWAY....heres another piece to follow.....enjoy
you...
1.25.08
you...
i cant stress enough
i cant conceal it enough
i cant control it for long
i cant....
my minds runnin a maze around you
i long to find you
i long to connect with you
i long to meet you
i long to hear....
your voice
your laughter
see...
your smile
you sleep
you breath
your every movement
i long to be around you sooo much
i long to hold you
i long to be with you sooo much...
that...
its bothering me
its saddening me
its makin me feel lonely
its making me feel negelected...
at times
i miss you....more than i can say
i miss you....more than i tell you
i care about you...more than you kno
so why is it so hard
hard to care
hard to share
hard to balance my time
and your time
because we dont have me time
i miss you
and i just want to see you
sooner
than later
cuz im afraid...
later
will by pass the both of us
and i dont want that
i need all that...
is you
beside me
just to have your presence known
i would drown
in the embodiment of your beautiful soul
i cant let go
i cant...
let
u
go
baby.....
i miss you....
so
you...
i cant stress enough
i cant conceal it enough
i cant control it for long
i cant....
my minds runnin a maze around you
i long to find you
i long to connect with you
i long to meet you
i long to hear....
your voice
your laughter
see...
your smile
you sleep
you breath
your every movement
i long to be around you sooo much
i long to hold you
i long to be with you sooo much...
that...
its bothering me
its saddening me
its makin me feel lonely
its making me feel negelected...
at times
i miss you....more than i can say
i miss you....more than i tell you
i care about you...more than you kno
so why is it so hard
hard to care
hard to share
hard to balance my time
and your time
because we dont have me time
i miss you
and i just want to see you
sooner
than later
cuz im afraid...
later
will by pass the both of us
and i dont want that
i need all that...
is you
beside me
just to have your presence known
i would drown
in the embodiment of your beautiful soul
i cant let go
i cant...
let
u
go
baby.....
i miss you....
so
her...not you
shaw & broadway were waiting to read this since i bragged about it LOL.....i love it...another strong piece....
-------------
1.21.09
her...not you
do you miss someone so much..
you wanna cry?
well i do
and for once...its not you
its her
my star
my songstress
my caged yet free butterfly
my smile
my stress easer
my second wind
my beautiful sunrise
you see...
shes given me everything you didn't
positivity
reliability
quality...
time
her time
was my time
our time
she is...
my blood
my food
my nerves
my breath
my energy
my light
my nutrients
my everything
tho she's not you...
and i know
shes everything your not
my backbone
my strength
my heart beat
my pusher
when things got rough SHE was there
not you
she held me down
pushed a smile on this teared up face
pushed my eyes open to see that--
YES there is beauty after heartbreak!
YES there is peace in ones soul
after heartbreak
SHE is my reason for writing
SHE is my reason for smiling
SHE is my reason for feeling
SHE is my reason for loving
for...i finally love another
i FINALLY care for another
i FINALLY think about another
and im sorry to bust your bubble
but
no
it is really
and i mean really
not
you
-------------
1.21.09
her...not you
do you miss someone so much..
you wanna cry?
well i do
and for once...its not you
its her
my star
my songstress
my caged yet free butterfly
my smile
my stress easer
my second wind
my beautiful sunrise
you see...
shes given me everything you didn't
positivity
reliability
quality...
time
her time
was my time
our time
she is...
my blood
my food
my nerves
my breath
my energy
my light
my nutrients
my everything
tho she's not you...
and i know
shes everything your not
my backbone
my strength
my heart beat
my pusher
when things got rough SHE was there
not you
she held me down
pushed a smile on this teared up face
pushed my eyes open to see that--
YES there is beauty after heartbreak!
YES there is peace in ones soul
after heartbreak
SHE is my reason for writing
SHE is my reason for smiling
SHE is my reason for feeling
SHE is my reason for loving
for...i finally love another
i FINALLY care for another
i FINALLY think about another
and im sorry to bust your bubble
but
no
it is really
and i mean really
not
you
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
To All The Boys I've Loved Before" Mayda Del Valle
i love poetry....and i love how this women floooowwwsss...this is another favorite....check her out
blinds are closed
1.20.09
blinds are closed
out of sorts
out of placement
out of time
out of...
my mind
memories flash back
memories reappear
memories....
o so clear
feelings linger
feelings hinder
feelings render
feelings...
get in the way
stability
tranquility
the ability to...
love me
all of me
without doubting me
without questioning me
without second guessing me
but none of you could do that
judgemental
hypocritical
belittle
made me feel...
less of myself
well no more
because...
i kno who i am
i kno who ill be
i kno what i need
and its not you
with me
its just me
in the rain
against the tears
fighting against the fears
fighting against all odds
tryin to see the light
thro my darkest nights
ill find a way
to thro away
the pain
the lonliness
the bitterness
the sadness
the thoughts
of you
and me
the former...we
something you never did see
love
that was me
blinds are closed
out of sorts
out of placement
out of time
out of...
my mind
memories flash back
memories reappear
memories....
o so clear
feelings linger
feelings hinder
feelings render
feelings...
get in the way
stability
tranquility
the ability to...
love me
all of me
without doubting me
without questioning me
without second guessing me
but none of you could do that
judgemental
hypocritical
belittle
made me feel...
less of myself
well no more
because...
i kno who i am
i kno who ill be
i kno what i need
and its not you
with me
its just me
in the rain
against the tears
fighting against the fears
fighting against all odds
tryin to see the light
thro my darkest nights
ill find a way
to thro away
the pain
the lonliness
the bitterness
the sadness
the thoughts
of you
and me
the former...we
something you never did see
love
that was me
para escribir [to write]
01.08.09
para escribir [to write]
scribble
scrabble
on my pad
isnt just a fad
its a love
its a gift from above
my craft
my crank shaft
i bust ballpoints
i prove points
i crack frowns...
into smiles
i bleed hearts
i shed tears
i release fears
i write
i fight
i bleed
i plant a seed
into ur mind
they say....knowledge is power
my words will take you higher
into the biggest denomination ever exsisted
i come prepared....hands fisted
pen enclosed
ready to make you...
fight again
love again
smile again
breathe again
think again
move you..
again
para escribir [to write]
scribble
scrabble
on my pad
isnt just a fad
its a love
its a gift from above
my craft
my crank shaft
i bust ballpoints
i prove points
i crack frowns...
into smiles
i bleed hearts
i shed tears
i release fears
i write
i fight
i bleed
i plant a seed
into ur mind
they say....knowledge is power
my words will take you higher
into the biggest denomination ever exsisted
i come prepared....hands fisted
pen enclosed
ready to make you...
fight again
love again
smile again
breathe again
think again
move you..
again
silently waiting....
1.5.09
silently waiting....
i long for...
kisses
hugs
stares
words...
i long for...
conversation
vacation
meanin
escapin...
i long for....
love
companionship
butterflies
tongue tied so bad i cant speak
i long for...
you
in many ways that i refuse to tell you
i just want to...
hear your laughter on the other end
see your smile
hear from you
but
as
seconds
minutes
hours
days
weeks
..and a month go by
i still have nothing
only the...
momentary chats weve shared embeded in my brain
only the...
few pictures youve sent
only the...
emails...
yet i find my heart aching to kno your whereabouts
how your feeling
how your day was
if your breathing
rather...
if your alive
you see you told me 'better communication'
and that i needed to open up
but i feel closed up now
because you
close me in now
keep me in...
the dark
and i cant see
and all i do is think
and worry
and wonder...
if your ok
i try to...be the bigger one
i try to...let go
i try to...bypass the time
i try to
but its...
achin me
hurtin me
plaguin me
that i dont kno how you are
so i send a letter out into the oblivion
when i should be callin
but i dont want to call...
because you shouldve called
weeks ago
silently waiting....
i long for...
kisses
hugs
stares
words...
i long for...
conversation
vacation
meanin
escapin...
i long for....
love
companionship
butterflies
tongue tied so bad i cant speak
i long for...
you
in many ways that i refuse to tell you
i just want to...
hear your laughter on the other end
see your smile
hear from you
but
as
seconds
minutes
hours
days
weeks
..and a month go by
i still have nothing
only the...
momentary chats weve shared embeded in my brain
only the...
few pictures youve sent
only the...
emails...
yet i find my heart aching to kno your whereabouts
how your feeling
how your day was
if your breathing
rather...
if your alive
you see you told me 'better communication'
and that i needed to open up
but i feel closed up now
because you
close me in now
keep me in...
the dark
and i cant see
and all i do is think
and worry
and wonder...
if your ok
i try to...be the bigger one
i try to...let go
i try to...bypass the time
i try to
but its...
achin me
hurtin me
plaguin me
that i dont kno how you are
so i send a letter out into the oblivion
when i should be callin
but i dont want to call...
because you shouldve called
weeks ago
my forever fairytale
12.27.08
my forever fairytale
i used to believe in fairy tales
like cinderella...
i would be the one to fit the glass slipper
like sleeping beauty...
my 'charming' would wake me up & we would ride away together
like jasmine
my aladdin would sweep me off into a whole new world
like the little mermaid
my prince would save me from the evil lady
thought i found...
my 'charming'
my prince
my aladdin
the one that carried the glass slipper
the love clung to my heart
never letting go
till this day...
it has a hold on me
forever floating memories
forever floating words
forever thinkin
of you
and the love that used to...
make me feel like...
cinderella
ariel
jasmine
sleeping beauty
until the harsh reality of it all
fell away
from the shell that was you
you cracked
you broke
you floated
away
like leaves blown away in the wind
i watched you slip away
walk away
drain yourself
out of me
tho youve been discarded from my life for quite sometime
an occasional butterfly floats my way
and pictures form in my mind
of someone i once knew
someone who
swept me on my magic carpet ride
carried me on a horse away from my wicked step mother
made my dream into reality
made me feel like a princess
someone
that loved me
someone
that was soley mine
someone....
that someone
was u
my forever fairytale
i used to believe in fairy tales
like cinderella...
i would be the one to fit the glass slipper
like sleeping beauty...
my 'charming' would wake me up & we would ride away together
like jasmine
my aladdin would sweep me off into a whole new world
like the little mermaid
my prince would save me from the evil lady
thought i found...
my 'charming'
my prince
my aladdin
the one that carried the glass slipper
the love clung to my heart
never letting go
till this day...
it has a hold on me
forever floating memories
forever floating words
forever thinkin
of you
and the love that used to...
make me feel like...
cinderella
ariel
jasmine
sleeping beauty
until the harsh reality of it all
fell away
from the shell that was you
you cracked
you broke
you floated
away
like leaves blown away in the wind
i watched you slip away
walk away
drain yourself
out of me
tho youve been discarded from my life for quite sometime
an occasional butterfly floats my way
and pictures form in my mind
of someone i once knew
someone who
swept me on my magic carpet ride
carried me on a horse away from my wicked step mother
made my dream into reality
made me feel like a princess
someone
that loved me
someone
that was soley mine
someone....
that someone
was u
photographic memory
12.24.08
photographic memory
she said the...
first kiss was as best as the last
she said the...
first look is where you had me at
she said the...
first touch will always be the greatest
she said the...
first time was...
unexplainable
moved mountains
reverbarated off walls
cracked floors
unhinged pictures
first look
first touch
first kiss
first time
those became the turnin point
of us
our bubble became...
our melting pot
a place where...
our bodies & minds connected and became one
a place where...
regardless of the traffic jams in our days
we could come together
a place where...
so much energy surrounded us
that you could almost light up the city
first memories
are all i have
first memories
are all i need
first memories
are held in my scrapbooked mind
first memories
is where i leave it...
the past
behind
photographic memory
she said the...
first kiss was as best as the last
she said the...
first look is where you had me at
she said the...
first touch will always be the greatest
she said the...
first time was...
unexplainable
moved mountains
reverbarated off walls
cracked floors
unhinged pictures
first look
first touch
first kiss
first time
those became the turnin point
of us
our bubble became...
our melting pot
a place where...
our bodies & minds connected and became one
a place where...
regardless of the traffic jams in our days
we could come together
a place where...
so much energy surrounded us
that you could almost light up the city
first memories
are all i have
first memories
are all i need
first memories
are held in my scrapbooked mind
first memories
is where i leave it...
the past
behind
thinkin....
12.22.08
thinkin....
light skinned
edged up
or
curls to play in
red boned & fair face
dark eyes
subtle smile
killah swag
tender touch
swoony scent
dark skinned
dreaded
slanted...caramel eyes
easy stare
soothin voice
familiar embrace
swagga...all their own
love...
love it all
the individuality
the subtle words
the calming touch
the scent that lingers
the little things
the many things
to remember it all
is like takin a trip down memory lane
that id rather not rehash
not that its bad
not that its good
just lookin back...
has done me no good
just rehashing old feelings
old memories
old
thats all it is...
old
the former
the before
before...
the new
the future
the soon to come
of a new begining...
soon...
to come
thinkin....
light skinned
edged up
or
curls to play in
red boned & fair face
dark eyes
subtle smile
killah swag
tender touch
swoony scent
dark skinned
dreaded
slanted...caramel eyes
easy stare
soothin voice
familiar embrace
swagga...all their own
love...
love it all
the individuality
the subtle words
the calming touch
the scent that lingers
the little things
the many things
to remember it all
is like takin a trip down memory lane
that id rather not rehash
not that its bad
not that its good
just lookin back...
has done me no good
just rehashing old feelings
old memories
old
thats all it is...
old
the former
the before
before...
the new
the future
the soon to come
of a new begining...
soon...
to come
my...secret
12.21.08
my...secret
i thought about you today...
and altho your always on my mind
tonite was different
thoughts of...
ur breath in my ear
u lookin me in my eye
with that...seductive stare
kissin my cheek
movin down to my neck
while ur hand grazes my thigh
wantin to...
glide up
the edge of my panty line
see...
ive thought of you
many times
many ways
many nights
but ive never told you
never told you...
how i think of you
never told you...
how ive fantasized about you
never told you...
how ive pictured you & i
together
linked
skin to skin
breath cloudin up the room
coz its so heavy
every move vibratin the walls
coz its soo ridiculous
ive wanted you
ive thought of you
in many ways
in many places
at many times...
i just
never told you
you are...
my
best kept secret
my...secret
i thought about you today...
and altho your always on my mind
tonite was different
thoughts of...
ur breath in my ear
u lookin me in my eye
with that...seductive stare
kissin my cheek
movin down to my neck
while ur hand grazes my thigh
wantin to...
glide up
the edge of my panty line
see...
ive thought of you
many times
many ways
many nights
but ive never told you
never told you...
how i think of you
never told you...
how ive fantasized about you
never told you...
how ive pictured you & i
together
linked
skin to skin
breath cloudin up the room
coz its so heavy
every move vibratin the walls
coz its soo ridiculous
ive wanted you
ive thought of you
in many ways
in many places
at many times...
i just
never told you
you are...
my
best kept secret
hazy
12.14.08
hazy
i think about you...
like clock work
i think about you...
like im studying
i think about you...
because i want to
i think about you...
because i like you
i think about you...
so are you thinkin of me...
right now too?
its so hard to pin point the feeling
its so hard to not kno how im feelin
mixed emotions
occasional sidetracks
rearended fender bender
...gave me dizzy spells
causing me to forget things
like i caught amnesia
forgot feelings
forgot butterflies
forgot anxiousness
forgot the way little things were sentimental
forgot...
i dont know if its from being pushed aside
i dont know if its from being disregarded
i dont know if its from being insecure...occasionally
i dont know if its from feeling neglected
yet...i dont want to stray away
because part of me feels like i found my way...
back into love
but uncertainty
and sleepless nights
make me wonder
is it worth it all
is it worth the fall
is it?
i wont kno...
till i find out
i wont know...
i wont know...
will i....
ever kno?
hazy
i think about you...
like clock work
i think about you...
like im studying
i think about you...
because i want to
i think about you...
because i like you
i think about you...
so are you thinkin of me...
right now too?
its so hard to pin point the feeling
its so hard to not kno how im feelin
mixed emotions
occasional sidetracks
rearended fender bender
...gave me dizzy spells
causing me to forget things
like i caught amnesia
forgot feelings
forgot butterflies
forgot anxiousness
forgot the way little things were sentimental
forgot...
i dont know if its from being pushed aside
i dont know if its from being disregarded
i dont know if its from being insecure...occasionally
i dont know if its from feeling neglected
yet...i dont want to stray away
because part of me feels like i found my way...
back into love
but uncertainty
and sleepless nights
make me wonder
is it worth it all
is it worth the fall
is it?
i wont kno...
till i find out
i wont know...
i wont know...
will i....
ever kno?
questions...
11.28.08
questions...
how do you
love the one that tore your heart in two
how do you
continuously think about them regardless the circumstances?
how do you
still seem to care...slightly
how do you
go on
how do you
let go
how do you
look pass the past
and towards the future
how do you
ease your heart out of pain
how do you
start again
how do you
learn to trust again
how do you
stop thinkin
of random nights
or
their smile
their being
them
how do you
stop it all
how do you
fall away
from what is nothing anymore
and shift your feelings to more important things
how do you
how do you?
questions...
how do you
love the one that tore your heart in two
how do you
continuously think about them regardless the circumstances?
how do you
still seem to care...slightly
how do you
go on
how do you
let go
how do you
look pass the past
and towards the future
how do you
ease your heart out of pain
how do you
start again
how do you
learn to trust again
how do you
stop thinkin
of random nights
or
their smile
their being
them
how do you
stop it all
how do you
fall away
from what is nothing anymore
and shift your feelings to more important things
how do you
how do you?
its just a ghost
11.25.08
its just a ghost
my heads pounding
my heart aches
my eyes seeked for true beauty
only to find out that...
it was all just a falacy
lies
consisting of 'i love you's
which i lead to believe were also true
yet...broke my heart
into a thousand pieces
as the clock turned
and within the blink of an eye...
seconds
became minutes
and minutes...
turned into hours
and hours...
became days
and then the days...
turned into weeks
which turned into months
and here i am
stuck
bitter
my heart keep beating
but also bleeding
caused by trifling memories
stabbed
then sutured
shot
then bandaged
kicked
..then bandaged again
how many times
how many nights
how many more tears
how do i...
erase the fears
subside tears
push away agony
for the pain u caused me
YES i still write
NO i dont care
i dont give a FUCK
if you stare
your names not in my mouth
just the imagery of what i knew
lingers like a ghost in my mind
a dream
a fantasy
what i THOUGHT was reality
until it all hit me
like ton of bricks
slamming
scratching
breaking
bruising
leaving...
traces of...your unwanted self
traces of you
all around
i gotta find a way
i need to find a way
its necessary to get away
from
the ghost of you
its just a ghost
my heads pounding
my heart aches
my eyes seeked for true beauty
only to find out that...
it was all just a falacy
lies
consisting of 'i love you's
which i lead to believe were also true
yet...broke my heart
into a thousand pieces
as the clock turned
and within the blink of an eye...
seconds
became minutes
and minutes...
turned into hours
and hours...
became days
and then the days...
turned into weeks
which turned into months
and here i am
stuck
bitter
my heart keep beating
but also bleeding
caused by trifling memories
stabbed
then sutured
shot
then bandaged
kicked
..then bandaged again
how many times
how many nights
how many more tears
how do i...
erase the fears
subside tears
push away agony
for the pain u caused me
YES i still write
NO i dont care
i dont give a FUCK
if you stare
your names not in my mouth
just the imagery of what i knew
lingers like a ghost in my mind
a dream
a fantasy
what i THOUGHT was reality
until it all hit me
like ton of bricks
slamming
scratching
breaking
bruising
leaving...
traces of...your unwanted self
traces of you
all around
i gotta find a way
i need to find a way
its necessary to get away
from
the ghost of you
when your gone...
11.25.08
when your gone...
i miss you
like clouds missing in the sky
i miss you
like sand missing from a beach
i miss you
like a child without either parent
i miss you
like a blind person wantin sight
i miss you
like my pen misses my pad
i miss you
like i miss my family
i miss you
like every valentine day card ever forgotten
like every birthday card ever forgotten
like every anniversary that was missed
like every special moment that you were too busy to attend
i miss you
as if every moment in my life was taken from me
as if my memory in my mind was cleared away
as if i wouldnt see you for years
as if i hadnt seen you yesterday
i guard my heart
i love my life
i love those...in my life
the cherished friendships i hold close
the ones gone...are missed memories
so true
so real
so vibrant
so loving
so....you
just stay
and together we...
will leave our footprints
in the sands of our friendship
when your gone...
i miss you
like clouds missing in the sky
i miss you
like sand missing from a beach
i miss you
like a child without either parent
i miss you
like a blind person wantin sight
i miss you
like my pen misses my pad
i miss you
like i miss my family
i miss you
like every valentine day card ever forgotten
like every birthday card ever forgotten
like every anniversary that was missed
like every special moment that you were too busy to attend
i miss you
as if every moment in my life was taken from me
as if my memory in my mind was cleared away
as if i wouldnt see you for years
as if i hadnt seen you yesterday
i guard my heart
i love my life
i love those...in my life
the cherished friendships i hold close
the ones gone...are missed memories
so true
so real
so vibrant
so loving
so....you
just stay
and together we...
will leave our footprints
in the sands of our friendship
loves slow death
11.17.08
loves slow death
stepped over the ledge
fell 20 stories down
bones shatter
im all mangled
blood dripped...
everything ached
cant move
cant breathe
cant see
only sense is my ability to hear
memories of you & i suffocated my brain
words you said drip drop thro an IV into my blood stream
affectin me and...
every thought
every move
every change
every feeling
just everything
i feel so addicted
i wasnt weened off
the drug which was your love
just forced off
left me crying
left me shaking
left me unwilling...
to do nething
left me blind...
to every good thing that stood before me
my heart feels like a blank canvas awaiting its painter
yet i feel molded at the edges
and its slowly seepin towards the center...
suffocating me
enclosing me
covering me
and leaving me...
empty
loves slow death
stepped over the ledge
fell 20 stories down
bones shatter
im all mangled
blood dripped...
everything ached
cant move
cant breathe
cant see
only sense is my ability to hear
memories of you & i suffocated my brain
words you said drip drop thro an IV into my blood stream
affectin me and...
every thought
every move
every change
every feeling
just everything
i feel so addicted
i wasnt weened off
the drug which was your love
just forced off
left me crying
left me shaking
left me unwilling...
to do nething
left me blind...
to every good thing that stood before me
my heart feels like a blank canvas awaiting its painter
yet i feel molded at the edges
and its slowly seepin towards the center...
suffocating me
enclosing me
covering me
and leaving me...
empty
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